Why I
by Dobby123
Summary: This is why I did it. Warning: Self-harm and suicide attempt.


_There isn't a real reason to why people cut themselves. No, there is a reason, you just can't narrow it down. I mean, there are more than one reasons to why people cut themselves it's just hard to explain it. It's just hard to understand or to tell people why you would take a sharp knife, razor, blade to your skin and "mutilate" yourself. It's crazy I know, but it makes sense at the time. I mean if you had a way to comfort yourself you would do it, right? Eat, sleep, drink, travel a bit, clean your house, listen to music, those are more or less healthy way to cope with anything, but that doesn't always work for most. Alcohol, smoking, pills, sex, speeding, cutting, jumping, those are other ways people cope._

_I like to cut myself. I never deliberately cut myself and that one time was a complete accident, stupid cow. I used to smoke a lot, I was a chain-smoker, so imagine everybody surprised when I suddenly stop smoking and picked up on a much darker habit. Fortunately, I was able to hide it, I always wore wristbands and long pants. I was always mindful of when I cut, played it off when the stupid cow hit the parts of where I cut. Obsessively cussing, instead of curling in pain because I cut deeper than usual because I was really upset that particular night. Sometimes, I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself from head to toe satisfied that my cuts were healing or crying and cutting myself even more punishing myself at how stupid I was that day, that week, that month, that year, my whole life. I'm just wonder what am I doing wrong, what didn't I do right, why can I try to do and I get so upset at how useless I am and I do it again and again and again. It just doesn't stop. I never rest. I'm sinking and I only get further from that._

_I think people are starting to notice. Reborn gives me this look and Shamal tries to talk to me and I blow him off saying that, I'm a little tired and that's no lie. I realized I'm starting to lie more and more and I'm getting myself deeper and deeper. I'm sinking and I cut. The pain keeps me awake. It's the only thing that keeps me awake, So I cut. I'm numb. I cut because, I think I forgot how to feel. I cut because my life is getting hard to keep up with. I cut because I got into an argument and I just realized how unwanted I am. _

_Did I really force my way into my new home? My family?_

_Did they really want me or were they just tolerating me because nobody defies Reborn's wishes. _

_I know I have a terrible attitude, I know I caused more trouble than necessary. I know I did less than holy things to get to where I am now, but believe me when I say I really tried, I __**earned**_ _my place in this family. Tenth wants me here, right? __**R**__i__**gh**__T?_

_I stood in my bathroom crying. I guess I didn't need to cut myself to cry, but that didn't stop myself from cutting. I cut my arms, but it wasn't enough. I stripped out of my clothes and turned the bath water on, I knew I would need it later. I cut my legs, but it wasn't enough. I moved to my stomach it wasn't enough, my eyes were getting blurry, and I couldn't concentrate much. When I think on it now, I realize it couldn't see well not because I was crying, but because of the blood lost and absentmindedly I got into the tub and tried to clean the blood off of me trying to find somewhere else to cut and I just remember cutting my arm one last time and I just felt light._

_The last thing I remembered from that particular moment was a loud bang and cursing and screaming. I think somebody lifted me up telling me something and all I can think of how tired I was and it just when dark._

_I remember waking up in a dark place and I felt so lonely, but I felt at peace. All the loud noise, the buzzing hatred just disappeared and I was just ready to go and at one point I did just let go and I got rewarded so well for it. I got a chance to see my mother and she was just so beautiful, exactly how I remembered her from when I was a child. And she welcomed me, but sadly she told I couldn't come yet and I didn't understand. I thought, 'so I'm not wanted here either,' and she told me they're waiting. And she just repeated that over and over again. And I just felt myself getting pulled away from her and I just. I just…_

_...woke up. I hated it. I remembered everybody just staring at me all exhausted and they looked so relieved and happy. I hated it. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to go back and I just could stop crying asking them. Why? Why did you do it? I think I screamed. Why did you bring me back? I hate you. I hate you all. Don't bring me back at your convenience. I didn't look at their faces. I knew it would be filled with pity and disgust. I just want to die. I did. I just wanted to die. _

_I was put on suicide watch after that. Then I was moved to a facility and I just remembered thinking that this was it. I'm going to looked away and abandon. Again. I'll be alone. Again. I'll be replaced. Again. I won't be needed and this time I won't be able to see my family, if they considered me as one. It hurted and I started to accept it, even when everybody visited me daily. _

_I don't know when I started to see through the haze I was in. But I did and while it was still there, I started to believe again._

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.

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"I cut, because I couldn't cope emotionally." I looked at the people I got to know in the past eight months. Some already got the help they needed and the others succeeded in where I failed. "I cut, because I felt I couldn't rely on my family. I cut because that was the only thing I was able to do, my only option. I won't delude myself into thinking I'm healed and I won't heal not for a long time, but I learned I don't have to go through this alone. I have my family and friends this time." I took one last look at the crowd again, this was my final goodbye to them. I crumpled the paper in my hands and sighed. I get to go home. "I just wanted to say thank you."


End file.
